🎶 Do you like Pina Coladas 🎶

The coaching ear worm

🎶   “If you like Pina Colada’s…” 🎶

Holiday, sun, beach, pool, lounger, Pina Colada and breathe that big sigh, ahhhhhhhhh… That “I’m finally on holiday”, feeling that you’ve been looking forward to all year. 

I’m putting this wee, 🎶 “If you like Pina Colada’s…” 🎶 earworm in your head as you’re leading up to your summer holiday.  Maybe it’ll be a reminder, an association, to give yourself permission and space to relax and let your mind wander…

It takes a wee while to relax properly, maybe three or four nights in your comfy big hotel bed, fluffy pillows and bathrobes.  Maybe three or four days of nothing specific to do and nowhere specific to be at no specific time.  A sun lounger Pina Colada, strolling through local cute shops and galleries, stopping for coffee, long lunches, getting lost in a book, listening to the waves, sun downers and sunsets, late dinners, solid sleeps with no alarms and the best bit - someone else preparing amazing, colourful, beautiful breakfasts and coming back to a made bed, clean shower and folded fluffy towels.  It takes a fair bit to really unwind, to really leave work behind and let allow your mind to relax and wander….

My favourite place for mind wandering is in that space I’ve described above.  In fact, my absolute happy mind wandering place is Clifton 4th beach in Cape Town.  Even more specifically, I drive to the cliff top car park, walk down the zillion Clifton 4th steps, past life savers club, give a wee nod and a wave to the sun lounger guys, walk to the front right of the big boulders and have them set me up a on lounger with a parasol facing the far boulders joining Clifton 3rd.  I lay out a towel and get really comfy.  To the left, the freezing crazy Atlantic’s waves pounding the shore, to the right the fancy-pants bungalows sheltered into the cliff (Who actually lives in houses like that? One day…), behind me, the life savers club and all its busy goings on (I wish I’d learnt to surf, what if I had…).  Above is the magnificent Lion’s Head, Kloof Neck pass and the Table Mountain cable car station poking up, all wrapped in the most beautiful perfect blue sky, dotted with neon paragliders circling and riding the invisible thermals (who are these people up there? Adrenalin junkies or terrified bucket listers?). The background faded sounds of Cape Town going about its business, people enjoying the beach, the granadila jolly lolly guys selling drinks and ices, and me laying in this wee spot zoning it all to background noise.  To me this is pure relaxation.  My legs and arms are floppy, my jaw is soft, my shoulders are the perfect distance from my ears, (rather than being stuck to them), my neck is relaxed, my throat empty, my chest open, my belly is soft, my breath is long, light and warm.  I’m comfy and warm, weightless and heavy at the same time. 

I’ve had some of my best ideas, realizations, reflections, decisions, daydreams and aha moments in that space, both actually on Clifton 4th and when my imagination takes me back there…  That’s my ultimate happy place.  I can conjure that in my mind whenever I need to help myself to feel that heavy weightlessness of relaxation that allows my mind to wander…

Allowing your mind to wander is the perfect terminology.  You do have to give yourself permission to leave all the other stuff behind and let the wandering part emerge, let it just do what it needs to do, and it cannot be forced.  The wonderful thing I find in my happy place is I don’t judge myself or critique myself or cut myself off – I let whatever comes to mind come to mind for what it is.  I believe it’s asking me something, telling me something, getting my attention and being so relaxed and comfortable I just let it – no second guessing. I find holidays the perfect space for this.  You’ve booked the holiday, paid for it, looked forward to it, done the handovers, put on the OOO – this is all the permission you need and perhaps what you’ve been longing for…

One of the questions from my wanderings many, many Clifton’s ago was where do these ideas, realizations, reflections, decisions, daydreams and aha moments go?  They seem to evaporate into the beautiful blue sky.  I’d noticed a pattern of feeling pretty great, relaxed, letting my mind ‘be’, feeling creative and a tickle energized and confident in myself in the moment – which is an amazing feeling.  But where does that feeling go?  For me, I noticed a pattern of evolving weightless wanderings, daydreams, ideas and realizations building, forcing themselves into more solid decisions and then crashing and burning like those powerful Atlantic waves pounding the shore wiping out those brave enough to try a dip.  These almost-decisions I call, “Deckchair Declarations”.  They are loaded with a powerful rational urge to make a plan and take action: “Now I need to do something otherwise this day dreaming is a waste”.

However, they are so full of, “I need to just”, “I should…”, “I shouldn’t…” and perhaps a bit of, “If only I was…”, or “they were”.  Often leading to, “When I have more X. Less Y. Get Z. Lose ABC” – then I’ll do IT.    This is a total buzz kill, right? IT becomes enormous and out of reach.  It can feel like it’s all gone bit overcast, and that lovely warm feeling burns out.

I also noticed a few Clifton’s ago that my Deckchair Declarations were actually the same as, or pretty bloomin’ similar to my New Year’s Resolutions, which were very like my prior year’s Deckchair Declarations.  The “If only’s” were similar, and the conditional “When I’m this, not that”, were also similar.  They were full of shouldism.  I noticed that my Deckchair Declarations, became autumn frustrations, became New Year resolutions, became winter disappointments, became spring exasperations and then Deckchair Declarations AGAIN; I was on repeat.  There were some brilliant ideas in there, hopes and dreams for myself and my life – but they crashed and burned on the shore.

How do you break that cycle?

Only by consciously breaking it.  Breaking it down.  Unpacking it.  Many Clifton’s ago, I wasn’t unpacking anything other than my dirty laundry when I got home.  Your holiday mental-suitcase also needs to be unpacked, but not carelessly thrown into the washing machine of your mind and then shrunk in the tumble drier.  Doing this holiday mental laundry needs careful handwashing with compassionate and ‘tough on stains’ detergent, then air dried, to breathe.  Do not iron.

These longings, dreams, ideas, realizations and aha moments in that relaxed state are more than stupid daydreams – and YOU KNOW THIS because they don’t really disappear as fluffy clouds over the hills – they are inside you and they come back to bother you, tease you, chastise you and shame your inattention - year after year after year - if you let them.

How did I break my cycle?

Well for me it was a messy clunky horrific process of psychological burn out, huge emotionally fueled cliff edge decisions, falling apart, crisis, despair and putting humpty together again.  It was massively unpleasant.  I do not recommend this at all!  I recommend getting in front of that, pronto!  I wish I’d unpacked my holiday mental laundry with more care and not just flung it back in the suitcase and shoved it back up the loft till next year.

In the putting humpty back together process, amongst many other things, (therapy, exercise, meditation, mindfulness, reading, courses and practicing radical honesty to name a few) I got a coach.  Several actually.  They were my kind, compassionate and ‘tough on stains’ detergent, which with a bit of agitation, a good mix and careful drying did a brilliant job.

Coaching and my coaches helped me realize how important my Clifton moments are to me.  My ideas, realizations, reflections, decisions, daydreams and aha moments are vitally important.  In there is; who I am, who I want to be, how I want to live, who I want to live it with and what and who is important to me.  That cannot live all dirty and tangled in a suitcase in the loft waiting for you next holiday!

I think it’s important to be entirely honest. Coaching didn’t make me bring ALL my dreams to life, to make big goals, take massive action and break down all my barriers and be hugely successful.  I’m not living in one of those Clifton 4th bungalows, sorry, would love to tell you I was.  I do still dream about it though…

Actually, we didn’t create SMART goals, take massive action with milestones and measures – that would have been entirely inappropriate for me.  What I got was space, a mass of space to work stuff out.  To identify what in all my deckchair dreams could become reality, what I wanted versus what I needed and where I hold myself back from getting either. I’d never felt this space before.  Chatting to trusted friends is a loaded space; loaded with care, love, judgement, beliefs about who they think I am.  The space I got from my coach was truly empty of all that, it was just me, as I am, giving myself permission to really believe I can have and do some of the stuff I dreamed about. 

Interestingly what came from my exploration wasn’t massive tangible stuff, it was lots of small compounding bit and pieces of relationships, health, wellbeing, workload, lifestyle, fun, friendships, time, energy, wants and desires.  The action was small compounding steps too; not massive leaps and bounds.

Coaching didn’t manifest total amazingness and millions of pounds either, sorry if that disappoints.  It gave me something bigger: insight into myself – who I am, now in my life.  That gave me perspective on what I really, really want right now and in the future.  That gave me awareness of how I want to be, how I want to show up, and who I want to surround myself with; relationships, friendships, work, companies, coaches, colleagues, clients – all of it.  It gave me enormous value in finding my values and finding myself.

This profoundly changed my life in the quietest, humblest, simplest and healthiest of ways. No big explosions, headlines and flashy upgrades.  Knowing me, accepting me and yup loving me, shapes all my decisions and behaviors.  It gives me confidence to say, “Hell Yes!” and “Fuc% No!”, from a place of safety and knowing rather than fear, loathing or baggage heavy default.  I’m in control of my ‘shouldism’ – flying around doing stuff because I should or shouldn’t or because I think ‘they’ think I should or shouldn’t is for me thankfully, a thing of past.  It takes some good old work to break free of shouldism, to find and mark comfortable boundaries and kindly yet firmly hold them.  All this brought me noticeable joy.  Joy in the work I do and life I live, which had been missing for a long time – remember that joy in the bloody good work you do? 

I could not have done that sustainably and ingrained it without help and coaching was a huge part.  Bold statement.  True statement.  Coaching changed my thinking.  Changing my thinking changed my life.

Knowing myself, what I want, what makes me tick, how I want to live my life and with whom brought me to being a coach. It was a rusty old Deckchair Declaration from many, many Cliftons ago.  Through coaching it got space to become.

I digress a wee bit…  Back to the ear worm, 🎶“If you like Pina Colada’s…” 🎶. 

When you finally get to that sun lounger, reach up to take a sip of your Pina Colada, lean back, close your eyes and breathe that beautiful long sigh.  Let this earworm 🎶 “If you like Pina Colada’s…” 🎶 be your prompt to give yourself permission to relax, to let your mind wander, to notice your ‘if only’s’ and keep wandering through them to your dreams, desires and wishes, wants and needs.  Let this wee earworm be a reminder to keep them from crashing on the shore and to carefully pack them up and bring them home.

I’m pretty good with your holiday mental laundry.  I can provide you with the space to unpack it, carefully wash it, and air it.  I am some tough on stains detergent. 

Don’t just fling your valuable wanderings in the washing machine, shove it back in the case and fling back up the loft till next year.  Don’t let your deckchair declarations become your autumn frustrations, then New Year resolutions, then winter disappointments, then spring exasperations and then Deckchair Declarations AGAIN!

Break the cycle… 🎶“If you like Pina Colada’s…” 🎶 

You know where I am.   

Gill

I coach (mainly) women to step into, be brilliant in or step away from C&D-Suite positions in commercial and highly competitive environments. If you like the cut of my jib and fancy checking me out you know where I am.