The Drama Triangle: What It Is, How It Works & How to Get Out of It
The Drama Triangle:
What It Is, How It Works, and How to Get Out of It
The Karpman Drama Triangle is a simple yet powerful psychological model for understanding relationship patterns that leave you stuck, resentful, or repeating the same arguments again and again. In this article, I unpack how the triangle plays out in families and leadership teams, and how to step out of it intact with awareness, boundaries, and choice.
Summer sunshine… or simmering tension?
Heading into a break with family, friends, or colleagues? Lovely. And also… maybe you have some apprehension? Things sometime get a little fraught? With certain folks?
I often speak to clients who are looking forward to a holiday, but secretly dreading the emotional undercurrents that come with it: the passive-aggressive sibling, the friend with whom it can feel awkward, or that familiar moment where you think, “Why does it always end like this?; why do I always like this?”
If that resonates, it might not be the people themselves. It might be the roles you’ve all slipped into. Roles you don’t even realise you’re playing.
That’s where the Drama Triangle comes in.
In coaching sessions, I often explain the Karpman Drama Triangle, a psychological model that explains toxic or stuck relationship dynamics.
What Is the Karpman Drama Triangle and How Does it Work?
The Drama Triangle is a psychological model developed by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in 1968. It outlines three common roles people take on during conflict, tension, or emotionally reactive moments:
Victim: “Poor me.” Feels hard done by, helpless, powerless, or resentful. Seeks a saviour or rescuer (but rarely asks directly for this).
Rescuer: “I’ll fix this.” Rushes in to save the day, often uninvited, while avoiding their own discomfort.
Persecutor: “It’s your fault.” Blames, criticises, or controls. Often passive-aggressive. Thinks they’re just “being honest.”
Firstly, it’s very important that you understand these aren’t personality types; they’re roles we fall into, often unconsciously. And here’s the kicker: once one role is taken, the others tend to get pulled in like magnets. Everyone starts switching positions at breakneck speed. That’s the “drama.”
The Drama Triangle isn’t profound, it’s a simple wee model I occasionally share with clients stuck in relationship dynamic loops. And something I am aware in my own relationships too – I find it particularly useful around my adult siblings as this is a place fraught old unresolved ‘stuff’. I’ve also found it transformational in work situations too.
So, if you’re wondering what’s going on and on and on and on in particular relationships at work, home or play - you might find it useful to spot your ‘Role’ in the drama, and exit stage left.
WHAT IS THE DRAMA IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE?
It’s usually not all that dramatic actually. Often, it’s a sense of, “here we go again”, or a tension around behaviour patterns that no matter what or where you are, just play out and you can’t quite put your finger on what’s going on or seem to change it - even when you know it will happen and attempt to strategise or mitigate it’s impact.
I’ll explain: It’s a triangle, point at the top. Each point is a ‘role’, ‘Victim’, ‘Rescuer’ and ‘Persecutor’. You might not like those terms (you can take that up with Karpman😉). They are pretty accurate descriptors of what’s going on though. These are ‘roles’ we adopt and play, and we don’t consciously choose them – they are subconscious ‘choices’ and most often we don’t know we’re doing it. We do however usually have a penchant and pattern particularly when we start the drama, a role we are most in or most likely to start in – you might spot yours? And note - we all start and take part in drama - until we learn how to not….
The ’drama’ part of it is not the taking of a role – it’s the constant and rapid witching of roles and the internal undisclosed monologue and emotions behind it all.
Let me bring it alive in a fictitious (ahem) family lunch between adult siblings: Ash, Billy, Fran:
Ash (Victim):
“Oh surprise surprise, I’m the only one who shows up early to help Mum again. As usual. Must be nice to just breeze in…”
Billy (Persecutor):
“Oh give it a rest, Ash. No one asked you to be early. You always chose to do that.”
Fran (Rescuer):
“Guys, can we not do this today? Ash, I appreciate that you helped. Billy Please don’t snap. C’mon guys.”
Shift 1 – Ash turns Persecutor:
“I help because no one else bloody lifts a finger. Some of us care, Fran. Unlike you, who just sits back with your sage advice.”
Shift 2 –Fran flips to Victim:
“Wow. That’s unfair Ash. I can’t win with you. I’m trying to help and this is how you treat me, whatever I say, it’s wrong with you, I’m wrong.”
Shift 3 – Billy becomes Rescuer and flips quickly to Persecutor:
“Alright, alright, let’s stop this. I’ll help. Maybe then Ash will get their knickers out a twist and stop guilt-tripping us – always so bloody perfect, right?”
They all flip through the roles, at lightning speed and all subconsciously aim for the Victim – snatching it away from the other.
Victim = “Poor me.”
Persecutor = “It’s your own fault.”
Rescuer = “I’ll fix this.”
All under the guise of family love in this case, but could easily be work and under the guise of ‘getting it done’. Its emotional warfare dressed up as whatever you want to call it. Here’s how you notice what’s going on with others and yourself.
The Roles in the Karpman Drama Triangle:
Victim: Feels powerless, hard done by, or stuck. Feels “Poor me” asks “Why me?”and blames other’s for these feelings. Subconsciously looking for a rescuer but never overtly asks for help/rescue thus leaving the Rescuer’s idea of help open to interpretation – and ultimately failure as they can then say, “I never asked you to…” or “That wasn’t what I wanted” – this also cunningly allows them to jump into the persecutor of the rescuer… Slippery!
Rescuer. Rushes in keep to the peace and to ‘save’ others often from themselves and as above almost always without being asked specifically – usually through interpretations of what they perceive as hints or alluded to being needed. Often as they sense if they don’t rush in it’ll all go horribly wrong. They’re avoiding their own discomfort by focusing on fixing someone else. This almost always allows them to grab the victim role of “I’m over here trying to help, and this is what I get”... Also slippery!
Persecutor. Harsh. Blames, criticizes, controls and needs to be right and/or point out that others are wrong. Can be aggressive, usually more passive-aggressive and pretty cutting. Stays protected by staying ‘right’ and this can allow them to slip neatly into victim; “I’m simply presenting the facts, and you’ve lost it with me again – why are you so angry?”… yup, slippery!
This can just as easily be around work – this might resonate more actually.
A Real Life Drama Triangle at Work.
Scene: Senior Leadership Team Meeting. Topic: Revenue underperformance and cost-cutting, with a little more look at what might be going on behind the words.
Characters:
Jo (COO): Often feels like the only one keeping the business afloat. Subconscious default is Rescuer and Victim ping-pong.
Chris (CFO): Data-led, blunt. Often slips from Challenger into Persecutor and can ping into Victim.
Alex (Commercial Director): Big-picture thinker, but defensive when challenged or feels undervalued. Victim pings to Persecutor and back.
Jo (Rescuer/Victim):
“Look, I know everyone’s doing their best, but we’ve taken on so much operationally. We’re firefighting daily. It’d just be helpful if the revenue side matched the pressure we’re under.”
Tone: Polite. But... pointed.
Internal monologue:
Here we go again. No one ever sees the actual grind. It’s always on us to pick up the slack while the shiny revenue team gets praise. I need to say something before I explode.
Emotions:
Tired. Undervalued. Defensive, but trying to stay composed. Resentments surfacing.
Chris (Persecutor-ish):
“Well, the numbers don’t lie. We’ve invested significantly headcount, marketing, tech. If income’s lagging, it’s not an Ops problem.”
Raises eyebrows slightly. Drops silence like a mic.
Internal monologue:
This isn’t about feelings. It’s about facts. I’m not letting this turn into another session where we ignore the data. Ops always claim hardship, it’s not sustainable.
Emotions:
Detached. Irritated. A wee bit superior perhaps. Avoiding emotion, justifying with logic.
Alex (Defensive Victim):
“I didn’t realise this was turning into a blame session. Maybe if we had more accurate forecasting earlier, we could have adjusted strategy. But that’s not solely on Commercial.”
Internal monologue:
Seriously? We’re being blamed again? If they understood what we’re dealing with in the market... But no, it’s easier to point fingers.
Emotions:
Defensive. Threatened. Undermined. A little ashamed, angry.
Jo (now edging into Persecutor):
“I’m not blaming anyone. I’m simply saying the pressure always lands with my team. It’d be nice to hear some ownership instead of just redirecting it.”
Internal monologue:
Hold it together. Don’t snap. Just say it clearly. Though frankly, I am blaming them, they never own their side of the mess.
Emotions:
Frustrated. Angry. Wanting recognition. Close to boiling over.
Chris (slightly smug Rescuer):
“Let’s not turn this into something personal. We’re all under pressure. I’m just trying to bring the numbers into the light. That’s my job.”
Internal monologue:
I’m the grown-up here. If they’d just stick to logic instead of flailing around emotionally, we’d actually make progress. Jo always makes this personal.
Emotions:
Superior. Detached. A bit smug. Self-righteous.
Alex (now Rescuer to herself):
“I’m not taking this personally. But I do think it’s worth pointing out that Commercial’s had no say in how costs have been rising behind the scenes.”
Jo leans back, arms folded.
Internal monologue:
Right. Let’s not pretend costs are just Ops. We’ve all been pushed to hire and spend — but when it goes wrong, it’s on me? Not happening.
Emotions:
Angry. Defensive. Digging heels in. Protecting turf.
Jo (Victim, cool tone):
“Okay. So, we’re agreed. Everything’s someone else’s fault and Ops will pick up the slack. Again.”
Internal monologue:
This is pointless and horrible. No one ever listens. Let them fail, maybe then someone will realise what we actually do.
Emotions:
Resigned. Self-righteous. Hurt. Passive-aggressive.
Chris (quick Rescuer-to-Persecutor shift):
“That’s not fair, Jo. If you’re not open to hearing facts without taking them as criticism, we’re stuck.”
Internal monologue:
Great. She’s doing the whole martyr thing again. Can’t say anything without it being ‘an attack’. Exhausting.
Emotions:
Frustrated. Tense. Feeling mischaracterised. Defensive beneath the logic.
Alex (back to Victim):
“And once again, Commercial’s the scapegoat. Whatever.”
Silence. Tension thickens. No one breathes for a moment.
Internal monologue:
This is $hit. And we’re meant to be the leadership team. No wonder this place is all about being right and blame, look at us. We get nowhere, again…
Emotions:
Dismissive. Deflated. Emotionally shut down. Wounded pride.
Playing the Roles in The Drama Triangle
They all danced the triangle and drew each other in. There’s a draw for everyone to grab the victim role at some point:
Jo starts Rescuer, flips to Victim, lashes out as Persecutor.
Chris plays Challenger, subtly jabs as Persecutor, then tries to rescue his own tone.
Alex starts defensive Victim, tries to rationalise (Rescuer), then flips again.
No one names the tension.
No one gets curious.
Everyone leaves with something meaningful unsaid and nothing is solved satisfactorily.
What are the rules? There are none! Everyone shifts from role to role at breakneck speed. Grudges get stored. Resentments build. Noone actually enjoys any of these roles. And it’s soooo seductively tempting; your right in the middle of the ‘play’ before you know it – needing to be right, needing to be wronged, needing to fix.
Who wins? No-one. Ever! The game never ends, and you pick it up from where you left it last time. The drama feels like it comes looking for you. There’s a comforting familiarity in a sick kinda way, so you’re neck deep before you know it.
How to End the Drama using the Karpman Drama Triangle
Stop it! Stop playing. BUT here’s the really important part: you can only end your part in it. Trying to end it for everyone is a from of playing it, it’s being a rescuer, see? STOP TAKING A ROLE.
Imagine it playing differently. Rewind:
This time, Jo (COO) has done some reflection since the last time. Maybe she’s had a coach (😉), or she’s learned about the Drama Triangle – she’s done some work to clocked her own Victim/Rescuer loops.
She's still knackered. Still frustrated. But this time, she’s watching herself, being aware of her ‘reactivity’ as well as everyone else.
Jo mindfully shares:
“I’m aware I’m feeling overwhelmed and a bit on edge. Not just from the workload, but from the sense that Ops is carrying pressure that isn’t being named. I’d like to understand what others are seeing and talk solutions rather than spiral into blame like we are prone to.”
Internal monologue:
I want to lash out, but that just pulls us back into the pattern. Stay with the facts. Own what’s mine. Ask for what I need. Don’t play the hero. Don’t martyr myself.
Emotions:
Still tired. Still a little bitter. But also, curious. Grounded. Taking responsibility for her energy.
This might lead Chris to pause, then responds slightly differently:
“That’s helpful, Jo. What you’ve described makes sense. I can bring the numbers to the table, but I haven’t heard clearly what Ops needs right now to rebalance things.”
Internal monologue:
Oh. They didn’t attack. Maybe I don’t need to defend. They’re feeling pressure, that’s making me feel something, maybe I can actually listen, not correct.
Emotions:
Softer. Alert. A bit disarmed. Open.
And imagine if this lead Alex also feel something and notice the shift:
“I appreciate how you named that, Jo. I know I get defensive when Commercial’s performance gets mentioned… I’d like to be part of solving this together, not just circling the blame, I’m so tired of that.”
Internal monologue:
Weirdly, this feels safer. No one's going for blood. I don’t have to prove myself right now.
Emotions:
More settled. Still alert, but less armoured. Aware of their own reactions.
What happened?
Jo noticed her default pattern (Rescuer → Victim).
She stayed in ‘adult-to-adult’ mode and owned her experience without blame.
She didn’t try to fix everyone else’s behaviour.
That created space. And tension eased.
The others felt the shift and either consciously or unconsciously, mirrored it.
Why Using the Drama Triangle to Stay Out of the Drama works:
Drama Triangle is unconscious and reactive. The antidote is consciousness and choice.
You only need one person to model a different way, take time out, or disrupt the norm and not come in emotionally loaded ready to fire; not trying to rescue or persecute and hold victim and martyr position.
It disrupts the expected pattern and the script starts to fall apart.
It offers you choice. Awareness brings choice and choice brings change - and often that is contagious .
How to Escape the Drama Triangle
This simple wee triangle if tucked in the back of your mind helps YOU see:
When you’re stepping into a familiar role.
What emotional pay-off you’re chasing (validation, control, avoidance, superiority, withdrawal, martyrdom, attention).
That your power lies in noticing, not fixing and definitely not fixing anyone else.
And yes, over time, if one person consistently shows up differently, the whole system can shift. Not always instantly. Not always neatly. But it's a start. And it is contagious.
How to Stop Taking a Role in the Drama Triangle
So, If you’re a natural:
Rescuer: Stop fixing; it’s not always your job. Wait to be asked for something specific or ask specifically; what do you need? From me? (which you can decline of course if you don’t want to do it, no obligation). Learn to hold your feelings and discomfort without rushing in to rescue other people from themselves. Give them space to learn and fix their own problems; to fall down and get themselves back up again. This may bring some short term pain, for the long term gain. Rescuing keeps the drama alive.
Persecutor: Drop the blame. Consider, what does being right or others being told they’re wrong mean to you? What would happen if you didn’t need either? Drop the passive aggressive reactive commentary and share what you are really feeling. Try asking other’s what’s really going on for them. Harshness and blame incite a reaction from the victims and rescuers and you’re keeping the drama alive.
Victim: Stop asking “Why me?” And ask, “What do I want or need?” Empower yourself with the gift of choice and sovereignty in asking for what you need. And, stop seeking rescue through the back door - through hints and helplessness. This invites rescue from those rescuers and keeps the drama very much alive.
The reality is that these are often well-worn trenches and you can get easily pulled back in by certain people, places and situations – so don’t be hard on yourself if you do – we all do – we’re human. There’s no place for harshness in any of this. Just practice noticing and becoming more aware of your patterns.
How do I escape the Drama Triangle?
Reflection. Instead of reacting, acting out, stewing, ruminating and re-playing it in your head. Allow yourself to feel how you feel, let your feelings have some time to peak and crash on the beach like waves and then become curious. Curiosity without self blame or blaming others. What was going on with ME? Never mind speculating about anyone else’s thoughts or feelings and what they did - stay in your own feelings.
Stick to “I” and reflect on what your part was… What could be different for me next time?
These patterns are almost always disrupted by, knowing what you are feeling, saying how you are feeling, asking for what you would like and being OK if you don’t get exactly that – finding a way to the solution together. It’s not rocket science but it’s not always easy. It’s a practice.
How to Stop Playing Victim Rescuer or Persecutor
These are well-worn grooves. Certain people, places, or patterns will pull you back in. That’s being human. Awareness is your backstage pass.
Notice the latest drama script landing on your desk.
Don’t audition.
Try something different; change your approach. Know, say, ask.
You can leave the stage anytime without making a scene.
And if you do find yourself halfway through Act Two bouncing from role to role; no biggie. Just take a bow, and exit stage left. Again and again and again.
You’re not a role. You have choice.
The only way to stop playing is to stop playing.
Thanks for reading and if I can help, drop me a note.
Gill
My name is Gill, I’m an Executive Coach and Life Coach working with every day normal humans individually, in groups and teams. Relationship dynamics play a huge part in my work and my client’s lives. Understanding yourself is the first step to changing any relationship dynamics. Reach out if you’s like to chat more.