Coaching for difficult relationships at work

Coaching for difficult relationships at work: Oops Upside Your Head

“I have been reflecting, sitting with this, all weekend, thinking about it and talking it over with friends and external people, to get an outside view, and I still feel the same…  I feel like you don’t care about my workload and my pressures.  You only care about your agenda and pushing forward on stuff that’s right for your team, and that’s not teamwork, you’re not really a team player; what about the rest of us?  I have a team too, who are just as important, doing a great job that you never acknowledge.  I don’t agree with what you want, and I feel like you are railroading and not listening to anyone.  You completely shut down everything everyone else said on Friday, that’s not OK.  You always shut everyone down when it doesn’t suit your priorities.  I feel confused, diminished and insulted.  I felt like that on Friday when I left work and I still feel the same this morning.  I think you should know this”.

This is a snippet of a conversation around some stress points a client was facing with peers in a highly competitive commercial business.  It’s pretty clear feedback.  Background: The L&D budget is getting slaughtered, it’s key to training and driving sales performance in their teams, which is the basis of all their KPI’s and their bonus.  Some ‘warm debate’ on how to spread the shredded budget emerged late in the week.  I imagine we’ve all faced some stress points similar to this, that might have caused a restless weekend and instigated a difficult conversation like this with peers. 

How do you think this interaction went on Monday morning?

First, I invite you to take a minute to NOTICE where your mind and thoughts went. 

 Did you think; “Brave! good for you?”  Did you think; “Hmm awful, wouldn’t have done it like that?”  Maybe; “Well I would have told them to get lost”, or actually”, or “That would have made me stop and think a bit?”  Did you add some gender or other padding to the story? What reasoning and logic kicked in for you? 

This conversation came as a recall, post this event as an example of an on-going niggling problem; they need to work together, it was becoming more challenging and this was obvious to the rest of the senior leadership team and all of their own teams.  My client wanted to make things ‘better’, this feedback was part of their improvement strategy, and they knew they had a some part to play in whole thing.  This ‘knowing’ and wanting brought them to coaching with me.

Take another second to NOTICE where your thoughts have gone now, and how quickly they went there.  “That’s great, they want to improve”, “Why bother”, “It’s kind of their fault, for going in with that feedback…”, “I’d do this”, “I’ve done it like this before”, “Just move on…”, “Oh, I feel that pain…”.

The point of stopping to notice, is simply to NOTICE.

Did you notice what you were thinking, judging, over-laying?  Did you notice how quickly your opinion and judgements formed and perhaps even how right they felt?  Did you notice anything relational; anything that brought up some ‘sore bits’ for you?  Maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you disagree with their feedback strategy entirely.  Thoughts, beliefs, judgements?  Good, you are a human.  Phew!

The point of stopping to notice, is simply to NOTICE.  Do nothing with it, just NOTICE.

So much of what was happening here was inside their head and all of how they delivered their feedback was absolutely from their head.  I’m not diminishing the situation at all; it was most definitely happening, and it was really unpleasant.  I’ve been there, and I could feel how unpleasant it, and no doubt the whole weekend was.  This might even seem petty to you.  Newsflash folks – WE ARE ALL PETTY!  AND it’s absolutely OK to be petty, so long as you notice it, work with it in yourself and don’t just slap others in the face with it in the playground and run away.

Then came the recalling the rumination of ifs and ands.  “I wished I’d said…”, “How very dare they…”, “They must think I came up the river on a rice crispy….”, “I’m not having another bit of this…”.  It was shared with friends over a glass of wine, coffee, lunch, phone call?   Just to get an ‘external’ view on the, “You know me, I’m not the kind of person who would ever….”, “I am a team player, I would be thinking and doing this if I were them”, “They must think I’m some kind of….” And undoubtedly getting some needed validation on how hellish it is and how you can totally handle it and probably a wee bit of tactical advice; “You need to tell them!”, “Tell the CEO”, “Don’t give them the satisfaction…”.  Perhaps all culminating in the feeling of having to take a stance or make a decision - make themselves heard.  “Right, I’m going to…”.

Hands up if you’ve been there? 🙋🏼‍♀️

I’m going to take you back to the STORY.  I notice the word FEEL four times in the story.  Yet I have absolutely no idea how my client feels; I get a strong sense of what they think but have no information on how they feel despite ALL the talking their feelings.  I notice the word YOU about a dozen times, which I also notice is often attached to a broad statement assuming and pseudo-accusing something of the other in relation to them; “You are, are not, never, always…”.  I also notice the rumination over the weekend is a re-hash of all the THOUGHTS, yes, re-jigged and reformatted, but the same thoughts becoming more thoughts that validate the original thoughts, and did you notice the embellishment of the stories of who they are and are not?  How on earth are you going to feel different?  You’re gonna feel the same way you did on Friday, come Monday morning and maybe more certain and surer you’re right.

This rumination is not reflecting.  It is not sitting with your feelings.  It is not getting external perspective.  It’s not working it out.  IT’S RUMINATING and whilst a wee rant rant feeling good and necessary, rumination is totally unhelpful.  You might like to convince yourself otherwise…

What I noticed from my coach’s chair, as it was replayed to me were the IMAGININGS and the STORY.  “You don’t care about my…” This is my client’s assumption, their imaginings of their colleague’s thoughts and views of them and the situation.  “You always shut everyone down when…”  This is a story my client attaches to their experience with this person – do they always?

I notice my own imaginings as I listen.  I imagine I noticed the EMOTION buried somewhere deep underneath, getting suffocated.  I imagine I noticed some MEANING getting smothered by shouldistic beliefs of how these conversations should be delivered, how one should stick up for oneself, fight for your corner, say what you think. 

Oh, the old, “Say what you think mantra” – how misunderstood and mis-used you are.

I really want to know how my client feels.  Why? Firstly, because I do not want to assume anything.  Secondly, any feelings and meanings that be there and are being smothered and suffocated will remain there getting all foosty and rotten, until they are aired; spoken about, felt and processed.  Thirdly I don’t believe I can help them if I don’t know how they feel. 

Until they know how they feel, they won’t be able to get past the imaginings and the story attached to them and they’ll remain in this loop – trying with all their might to muscle their way out of it.  What you resist persists - you can count on that.  This resisting and muscling usually comes in the form of taking the high road, being the bigger person, avoiding interaction, cutting people out completely, going around the person or problem, perfecting your own agenda - classic withholding and low-level insidious suffering. 

They won’t be able to truly reflect and find additional perspectives and identify the part they are really playing in this dance – which was particularly important to this client.  They won’t be able to fully move on.  “Porter – bring my bags of undealt with BS into this budget meeting, tout suite!”.

You deserve better and you’re worth more.  I know this.

I really want to know how my client feels.  Turns out they do too, and, they find it hard.  It is hard.  So, I teach them:

I teach people to safely get out of their head.  To step off the Ferris wheel of rumination.

I teach people to safely notice what they are feeling and what goes on when they do.

I teach people to notice how their mind and thoughts kick in to prevent the feelings – and then what happens to their perception.

I create a space where you can be the human being you are (for at least 90 minutes or so at first then for longer and longer periods over time).

I teach real reflection and reflexivity.

This is all a practice, it creates flexibility - the more you practice, the more flexible you become.  Like yoga for the psyche.  Emotional yoga - building agility and strength. You don’t need to wear lycra btw - come as you are.

Turns out most people also want to FEEL how they feel.  Turns out processing feelings is pretty liberating.  It brings a ton of strength (contrary to what you might imagine) and opens a whole new portal of perspectives – which is very freeing, like a weight being lifted off your shoulders.  Turns out they can get over their ‘stuff’ with themselves and the important people in their life and really, truly move on and move into new fulfilling ways of relating.  Who knew? 

Yes, there is vulnerability.  There has to be, that cannot be avoided.  There is no hack for vulnerability. Remember, it’s with me and you can bring all of yourself to me without any judgement.  And you don’t need to tell anyone you’re working on it if you don’t want to.  We work out together how to bring everything back into context – back to the corporate reality of the L&D budget fandango; little steps, one foot in front of the other.  And we work on what happens when the other people are less receptive than you like them to be – when they don’t do what you want in the way you want - ‘cause that’s definitely going to happen.

I have a little Oops upside your head flow:

Inside – what’s going on with you – sensations, feelings.

Outside – what’s happening around you – what do you notice.

Upside Down – what’s connecting these into stories and imaginings to you.

Oops upside you head: Oops we think before we feel.  Oops we believe our thoughts.  Oops our thoughts merge into our beliefs.  Oops we grip onto them for dear life.  Oops we live through their lens.  Oops we make decisions through that lens.  Oops that’s not working so well.

I use different terminology – language really matters.  How you talk to and describe yourself really matters. 

I prefer the terminology of, “I feel” with no “That or You” attached.  No I feel that it’s, or I feel you are.  (These are not feelings and you know that!)  So, something like I feel angry, sad, joy, excitement, disgust, scared… Let’s explore the feeling and how the feeling feels.  All of these feelings ere welcome in our coaching space – turn up the volume!

I prefer the terminology of, “I imagine” rather than I think, as it’s less solid, it’s more transparent and quite buoyant. We’re less likely to solidly believe our imaginings, to explore them more easily, we really do believe our thoughts are right.  Maybe something like, I feel angry, I imagine my work isn’t respected.  Let’s explore this imagining.

I prefer, “I make a story that I attached these imaginings….” rather than “I believe you do or don’t”, again it’s less solid, we really hang onto our beliefs and analyzing them from different angles is tricky..  Something like, I feel angry, I imagine my work isn’t respected and I have a story that my head that my work isn’t as valid as others or as valid as yours.  Let’s explore this story.

These are all vulnerable feelings, imaginings and stories that I know are hard to share.  Once we get them out we can reflect on, sit with and work on them – in the safety of my coaching room.  Then you can decide how you want to use this exploration, with no obligation to do anything with it whatsoever.  I encourage you to simply acknowledge you explored it for yourself.  You can stop shoulding yourself into absolute action, decisions and stances. 

These sheer and iridescent words can form like orbs around you, they allow you to examine them, see through them and they can’t be gripped and hung onto like the absolute truth, they’ll simply slip out your grasp.  There is some truth for you in them for sure, you’re not going totally mad, it’s usually quite a small percentage if any at all.

Let’s loosen the grip on the absolute-ness of the perhaps-ness of what’s going on.

And I want you to know this is tough stuff.  This is not easy. If it were easy, you’d be doing it and I’d be writing about something else… Your imaginings and stories live in the dark corners and blind spots – they are not obvious; you’ve probably kept them covered up for some time. 

This tough stuff is virtually impossible to do on your own especially in the beginning.  Many people avoid their feelings, especially around work stuff - there is a belief that emotions are not valid in the workplace. That’s just a story and it’s a rubbish story with a crappy ending. Intellectualizing and factualizing arguments is really common. Avoiding it altogether is another really common approach.  This is where I come in.

If you fancy getting out of your head, finding a new way to deal with stuff, get over stuff, move you and your important relationships on and find the joy that lies hidden beneath it all.  You know where I am.

It’s a loose your mind and come to your sense’s kind a thing.

Warning: You might just change your mind about ingrained thoughts and beliefs about yourself and others.  You might stop creating piles under the carpet that you build scaffold around.  You might not need that porter running behind you with tons of undealt with BS.  Just saying…

Yes Gill, I get all that, but how did that interaction go after that Monday morning feedback? That, I’ll leave to your imagination…..

I’m a coach. I work with humans interested in being more human and more authentic. I’m inspired by the work of Brad Blanton, Diana Fosha, Hilary Jacobs Hendel, all things Gestalt and Radical Honesty…